A crazy night at Ghetto Golf in Newcastle

Ghetto Golf has opened at Hoult’s Yard in Newcastle. Not sure what to expect? Picture 18 holes of crazy golf over two levels, walls daubed with multicoloured street art, boozy cocktails and tasty comfort food served from a hatch.

Disclosure: Stuart Forster, the author of this post, was invited to attend the pre-launch party at Ghetto Golf, which did not review or approve this post.

Golf, to be honest, is not my sport. Despite paying for lessons and many hours of practice on the range and courses, I am, quite frankly, a rubbish golfer. I find it frustrating; it’s almost as if my shots are sucked directly towards sand or into water. Consequently, last year I decided to give up the game; to retire from golf having never reached my full potential. Or maybe I had and it was embarrassing.

Back on the golf course?

Then came the invitation to attend Ghetto Golf’s pre-launch party. Okay, it would involve holding a golf club but attending meant I’d be able to take my pick from nachos, burgers and other barbecued delicacies served by Apocalypse Cow.

Fortunately visiting Ghetto Golf did not put my woeful short game to the test.  The only chips I had to contend with were the cheese-smothered, burger and bacon-sprinkled loaded fries that I ordered prior to playing a round. My only slicing involved cutting up a burger.

A World War Moo burger served by Apocalypse Cow at Ghetto Golf in Newcastle
A World War Moo burger served by Apocalypse Cow at Ghetto Golf.

What to expect from Ghetto Golf in Newcastle

Until last night, if you’d have mentioned crazy golf I’d have envisaged a tame time on putting greens a few feet long and hazards such as slowly turning windmills. My evening out caused me to rethink. Ghetto Golf redefines crazy golf — in a fun way.

Each of the 18 holes is designed to be unique. They include a recreation of Newcastle’s long-established Crown Pousada pub, a graffiti-daubed graveyard and a fluorescent pinball machine.

The hazards include a miniature forest of penises, a caged gimp and an unfeasibly large curler of a turd. Ghetto Golf is crazy golf for adults. (Nobody under 18 is allowed onto the premises.)

A sex themed hole at Ghetto Golf in Newcastle
Call that a forest of penises? 

In the Clay Shed at Hoult’s Yard

The location of Ghetto Golf’s Newcastle premises is in the Clay Shed at Hoult’s Yard. I walked past the venue upon arrival. (You need to double back on yourself after heading left into the courtyard.)

Hoult’s Yard was established as a sprawling industrial complex during the Victorian era. Buildings that once produced pottery have been converted into a mixed use business village.

Sign for Hoult's Yard in Newcastle
Sign for Hoult’s Yard in Newcastle

The overall effect of the golf course and bar inside the former industrial premises reminded me of a film set. Get ready for some eye-catching street art on the walls around the course.

I played a round with Melis, who runs the Melis Living travel and lifestyle blog.

As we progressed around the course servers offered to bring fresh drinks. The fruity, rum-laced Ghetto Punch was my pick of the cocktails. To get me in the mood, I started with a Fluffer.

Tables at Ghetto Golf in Newcastle.
Tables at Ghetto Golf in Newcastle.

As we progressed, it became clear that Ghetto Golf is likely to be a hit with Instagram users. People were snapping selfies and posing for shots around the course.

Playing at Ghetto Golf was by far the most fun I’ve had on a golf course. It’s crazy but in a good way. This is a form of golf I may well be tempted to play again.

Luminous street art glows by a pinball style hole at Ghetto Golf in Newcastle
Luminous street art glows by a pinball style hole.

Further information

See the Ghetto Golf website for information on pricing and how to make a booking (including corporate events, hen dos and stag parties). The company also has premises in Liverpool and Birmingham.

Looking for more information about things to do on Tyneside? See the NewcastleGateshead website and posts on Go Eat Do such as things to do during a walk in Newcastle.

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Stuart Forster playing crazy golf by a gimp in a cage at Ghetto Golf in Newcastle
Use Pinterest? Pin this photo and return to read more about playing crazy golf and having a night out at Ghetto Golf in Newcastle.

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